Everyone has a story... So here's mine.
Coming out is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do besides solving math equations. Why? because when you come out, you have that tiny fear in your heart, sometimes subconsciously, you fear the reaction that you are going to receive. Positive? Negative? We don't know. Most of the time people react positively when I come out to them, which is great.
Growing up, I loved the color pink and I love all that stereotypical feminine things. I had my hair in pigtails and I wore laced frocks. I even had my sister to paint my nails. I loved watching Disney movies too. My favorite Disney movie will forever be Mulan. However, I've always felt differently about the female characters in the movie.
Things changed when I was 6. I started having more guy friends (because girls were mean to me :( ), I cut my hair short and I loved wearing shorts than dresses. That was when the bullying started, because i was different. My favorite toys were robots and my huge ass dinosaur plushie that I still sleep with to this very day. I still loved those pink things that I used to wear but I felt more comfortable not being feminine. People thought my mom had a son and a daughter. Well .... nope. Two daughters.
I had a hunch that I was different when there was this cute girl in my class that I was too shy to know. I tried approaching her a few times but hell nahhh. At that time I thought I just really wanted to be her friend because she is so pretty.
Fast forward to high school. I dated 2 boys, because 'that's what girls do', right? and then I found out that my feelings for them was just like how I like them as a brother. It was weird. I just wanted to be one of the bros but I thought it meant that I like them. (Dafuk)
Everything made sense when I was in form 4. I had a huge crush on this one girl in class. (Everyone knew, it's not a secret anymore lmao). It reminded me of my kindergarten days, when I did not have the guts to approach that one cute girl in class. Same shit 10 years later. Youtube helped me. I started watching videos on sexuality and things about the lgbtq community and their stories were so relatable to mine. I got scared and I prayed that this is just a phase because I want to be 'normal' like other people.
The feelings grew deeper and I know I'm in deeper shit as well. I told my friends that "I might not be straight", and they were supportive, which surprised me. But what I did not tell them was that I was having a rough time accepting myself. Self-harming was my way of coping with things and I lost appetite for food. It lasted for 2 weeks. Until I came out to my sister. I remember my parents were doing their nightly routine of exercising so it was just us alone.
Me: I have something to tell you.
Her: What.
Me: I am... questioning....
Her: -your sexuality ??
Me: yeah I guess
Her: But how?
Me: Idk since young I've always felt different.
Her: Well if it's 'since young' then there's nothing wrong with it.
That was when I started to accept myself. I watched more videos on coming out and accepting yourself and I started telling people about myself. Most of them were very supportive and accepting (mainly because my high school was previously an all-girls school). However this one particular girl was telling me that it's unnatural and that it's wrong and that if it's my choice to walk down this path then good luck. Well 2017 me is telling u now to suck my dick.
Before coming out, I've never had problems with gay people. I remembered seeing the news about Lindsay Lohan and her girlfriend at that time and I thought they looked cute together but I was also intrigued.
I guess this is my coming out story. I'm bi, but i'm more emotionally and physically attracted to girls than guys. I tell people I'm gay because I am too lazy to explain. But ... Now I like the term queer because honestly when it comes to dating, whatever gender they identify as, I really dont care as long as the feeling is mutual.
Being in a hetero-normative society and not conforming to the norm of society is hard, but you know lah, Malaysia. Especially dressing more masculine than feminine, I struggle like crazy.
Thank you to my first crush in form 4 for that awakening, thank you to all them motherfucking haters, y'all can suck my non-existence dick. Most importantly, thank you to all my friends that supported me and accepted me for who I am. I am very grateful because I wouldnt be who I am today. If I were given a choice to be straight, I would stay being queer because it made me a more understanding, accepting and a rational individual. One thing I learned about being queer is that, homophobic comments are due to ignorance. The struggles I faced made me stronger to face homophobes (because have you seen their comments ??? so stupid and ignorant like if you're going to argue with me, please use facts and evidence instead of religion and your own beliefs?? Like I have no problems with you disagreeing about the lgbtq community but please do your research and give me a legit reason instead of using the bible as your argument).
I am happier now. Of course I still have my struggles but I am happier with my sexuality, identity and my life. And to people that are struggling with what I struggled with, it is going to be okay, do not go against your feelings because you deserve to be happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment